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Green smoothies. Kale salads. Spinach any time day or night. The Bearded Man’s tried his hand at healthy, clean-livin'. Oh sure, the gurus promised that his beard would be thicker, shinier, and that his masculine odor would be even more irresistible to the lady folk. Still, something just didn’t feel right. Yeah, he lost some weight. Yeah, he had more energy and so on and so forth. But you have to ask yourself: Why does The Bearded Man *need* more energy? His destiny wasn’t to toil away in the salt mines. His path was that of supreme relaxation. One day, he was walking along the beach when he got a whiff of the distinct smell of coconut rum. Instinctively, he ran towards what he assumed was an open bar and began downing the drinks with such fervor and passion that the locals called him: “La Turista”. That day, The Bearded Man found love in his heart, and in a bottle. He’s been passed out in a hammock ever since.
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